I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
