Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
