i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
