those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
