Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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