If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Vodka?
Forever.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
