spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
