He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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