Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
