I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
And then he peed in my hair
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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