Moan for me like Helen Keller
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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