No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize