Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
