You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
