Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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