You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize