I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
