anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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