Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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