I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
