Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
