she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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