I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize