So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm getting married
To pizza
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
