I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize