There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
