how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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