ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
