just tell him i said nine months
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
