The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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