why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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