im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
