i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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