I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
