yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Why is your signature on my underwear?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
