Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
