New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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