Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
