I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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