I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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