he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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