he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
