Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
