remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
