Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
