Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
