Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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