Need sex. Gaining weight.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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