The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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