Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
