I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
