So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
