I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
