First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Randomize
