I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
