I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just gargled with NyQuil
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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