I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
