I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
