I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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