if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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