last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
