I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
