So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
