I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize