Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
