Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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