no, he came in my armpit
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
