I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Your penis caused this!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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