someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
