Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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