I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
What changed your mind?
Being sober
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
