Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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