its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
