My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I wish there were birth control emojis
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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