You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
