yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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