He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
