when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize