Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
